


The things we can't have

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad, implied character death in the future, mysterious illness of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-31
Updated: 2013-10-31
Packaged: 2017-12-31 02:23:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1026160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People called it the Red Curse. It was the disease of prostitutes and their clients, they said. It was Mahal's punishment to those who dared to make money out of sex, instead of working hard like good folks.</p><p>People said many things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The things we can't have

**Author's Note:**

  * For [your_Mother](https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_Mother/gifts).



People called it the Red Curse. It was the disease of prostitutes and their clients, they said. It was Mahal's punishment to those who dared to make money out of sex, instead of working hard like good folks.

People said many things.

Fili had never really listened to these tales. He didn't make business with prostitutes. He liked the flirting as much as sex itself, and you didn't flirt when you were paying for a service. And with the threat of the Red Curse... Fili had only seen from a distance the poor dwarves afflicted by it, covered from head to toe because a mere contact could mean a transmission. He pitied them, unfortunate souls that they were.

He didn't pity Nori.

You couldn't pity Nori, because if he noticed he would kick you in the teeth... and he always noticed everything.  

The first thing Fili knew of Nori was his laughter. He had come with Kili to visit Ori and invite him aboveground with them to hunt and gather berries, and when Dori had opened the door, he had heard that laugh... It wasn't a kind laugh, not by far, but when the princes had been allowed inside, they had seen a veiled figure next to Ori, quietly admiring his drawings.

It wasn't just any veil that Nori wore. Most of the infected just tried to desperately cover themselves with whatever they could find (it was a poor dwarves' sickness... or at least, the poor were the only ones who were still forced to go out and work, the only ones visible) but Nori wasn't like that. The great veil covering him was a beautiful thing, purple and gold with delicate embroidery all over. It would have belonged on a great princess of the Orocarni more than on the brother of a scribe and a merchant. It gorgeous, and it hid every inch of the dwarf's body, large enough to make it unclear if he was fat or skinny underneath it all. Even his eyes were hidden, a rectangle of translucide fabric being Nori's only overture to the world.

Ori didn't come with them that day, because his brother had only just come home, and they had to catch up. 

He also refused to go out the next day, and the one after, and the one after... Kili was desperate, convinced that their friend hated them. Fili was calmer about it. He didn't mind coming everyday for nothing, because he hoped to catch a glimpse of the strange veiled dwarf. 

After two weeks, at last, Dori forced his younger brother to go have fun with his friends, because Nori was having a bad day anyway. Still, the young scribe spoke of nothing but his brother the entire time they looked for blackberries. 

"How long has he been... like that?" Kili asked with his usual tact, but since Fili was just as curious, he didn't scold him.

"Since I was a child," Ori sighed. "I can't really remember a time he wasn't infected, though Do says I was in my twenties when it happened. We... we didn't have much money back then, and mama... she was sick too... not the Curse, something... faster. Nori had no choice, and, well... One bad time is enough, you know?"

The princes nodded severely. One touch was enough to spread the curse. Everyone knew it.

"He's fine most days," Ori sighed. "Some days he coughs blood and he can't get up because of the pain... but he's fine. He makes just enough money to get herbs, and that helps."

"What job does he do?" Kili wondered. "I can't very well see him in a forge, dressed like that..."

"He sews a bit, and he... does embroidery. He manages."

There was something in Ori voice that hinted at things other than sewing, but the princes didn't insist. No one liked to talk for long of the Curse.

  
  


A couple days later, the princes came to see Ori again, to give him some books to copy, a hobby of his (one Dis greatly appreciated, and remunerated well) but they found their friend alone. Kili easily managed to convince his brother to give him that chance at being properly alone with Ori, and before long Fili was home again, wondering what he would do with his free afternoon. 

He was surprised to find his mother home, but less so once he realised she wasn't alone. There was an infected dwarf with her, one of the really poor ones, with gloves made of old handkerchiefs hastily sewn together, ill fitting clothes too large for them, and an ugly scarf rather than a veil to cover their face.

"What are you doing here, Fili?" Dis asked when he came in. "Didn't I just sent you to Ori's?"

The prince nodded, wondering how to explain himself without betraying his brother.

"Ori and Kili wanted to read sagas together for a while, and that's not my thing, so I came back. But if you need privacy..."

"No, stay. It's time I suppose... If you are to be king, you need to learn how the world really works, and there are things you will not learn from Balin or your uncle, sentimental fools that they are. Fili, you know what a spy is, of course."

"Who doesn't? I take it your guest is... more than they appear, then."

The infected dwarf cackled.

"He's smart enough," they said, with a voice that Fili had heard before. "I am the king's eyes, lad. Or the princess's, really. I work more for your mother... and for you too, I guess. Aren't you lucky."

"Nori?"

The dwarf's dark eyes shined for a moment, and Fili felt as if he had passed some sort of a test.

"Nori is our best spy," Dis announced, "and doesn't he know it. Though he is not Nori right now, as you can see. He is Anan, a poor dwarf to whom I give money because I feel guilty about being rich. Anan drinks it all in a matter of days every time, and he rarely drinks it alone, which makes him very popular, I believe."

Even with his mouth hidden by the scarf, it was easy to see Nori's smirk. Fili could imagine it perfectly, despite never having seen it.

"Well, glad to meet you, master Anan."

"Same here, kid. Should I shake your hand to celebrate, or maybe kiss it like they do to kings?"

Dis tensed, as did her son. The very idea of touching an infected... and Nori knew of course, how repulsive the idea was to any sane dwarf... and it annoyed Fili, somehow. So before he could property think against it, he held out his hand toward the spy.

"A kiss might be too much," he said. "But if we are going to work together, then we should probably shake hands indeed."

He heard his mother gasp, but he didn't pay any attention to her, his eyes fixed on Nori. The spy hadn't expected that, and it rather pleased Fili to have been able to surprise him. He was also rather proud of the way he didn't flinch when Nori took his hand. 

"I think it'll be interesting working with you," they spy smirked. 

And that, too, pleased Fili more than it should have.

  
  


Visits to Ori became a lot more interesting after that. Not that they had ever been boring, but Fili usually went because his brother didn't dare to go alone. Now... now, Kili went to see Ori, and Fili went to talk to Nori. The spy had decided to explain to him how his network worked, what sort of information one could expect from it. He told Nori who he could trust, and who he shouldn't. He taught him the signs that betrayed a liar, and how to control his face and body to manipulate people.

Fili listened avidly to it all, memorising everything the way he'd never done with Balin's lessons. This wasn't boring genealogy and antic rules only elders cared about. This was life, it was the way to stay alive and do the best he could for his people. 

This was a way to spend time with Nori, and Fili was enjoying it terribly. Nori was... surprisingly fun. He joked with Fili something no one but Kili really did, because people weren't supposed to tease princes, apparently. 

Nori didn't give a fuck about what he was allowed. 

"Hello sweetheart, gonna kiss me today?" He greeted the prince every time, which annoyed Dori terribly. 

"Not today," Fili always answered. "Maybe tomorrow, if you're good."

"But I'm never good."

"Too bad for you then."

And Nori always laughed at that, sometimes to the point of making himself cough and choke, which Fili didn't like. He'd rather have pretended that Nori's beautiful veil was nothing but an accessory, something he wore out of a personal and extravagant sense of fashion, rather than the sign of a curse no one knew how to lift.

"No wonder I can't get laid these days, Nori often joked after his coughing fits. "Look at me, can't even walk two feet without being out of breath, can you imagine what shagging's like?"

Fili could.

Or at least, he tried to. He tried not to try but he couldn't help himself. He didn't know what Nori looked like, just bits and piece here and there, his eyes, his hands once as he was changing his gloves, a strand of red hair that had escaped the scarf he wore as Anan... it wasn't much, it wasn't enough, but it still kept him awake at night as he tried to imagine what the rest of him was like. He was a Ri, so he had to be gorgeous... but he wouldn't have Dori's calm grace, or Ori's cheerful prettiness. His would be a more dangerous kind of beauty, something sharp and lethal like a knife...

Because Nori was a bad dwarf, a dangerous dwarf, and Fili loved him all the more for it. He was sure the spy's dark humour was more than humour sometimes. When Nori spoke of killing dwarves "for the glory of the line of Durin", there was something in his eyes that said it was more than a theoretical concept for him. Some of the gifts he had made to Ori and Dori, precious books painted with gold or delicate silk... even the beautiful veil he wore when he was playing his own role... none of these had been bought, Fili was sure of it.

Nori was a terrible dwarf and Fili was just as bad, laughing at his jokes, learning every single dirty trick the spy could teach him. The prince just wanted to have everything and anything Nori could give him.

"The team we would have made, if you hadn't had the stupid idea of being born a prince," Nori sighed one day. "You are all I've ever wanted in an associate. You'll be wasting your talent as a king."

"We'd never have met if I hadn't been a prince."

"Trust me, little prince, I'd have found you. The two of us were meant to meet. We'd have been great, steal and lying and..."

Noi stopped abruptly, and even through the veil, Fili could feel his eyes on him.

"We'd have been great together," the prince whispered, staring back, pretending he couldn't feel the warmth on his cheeks. "We are great together. You are the only person I want by my side... along with my brother, but it's not the same. You... you are not like anyone else."

"You should be careful, princeling. I could take it the wrong way."

"Who's to say it would be the wrong way though?"

Nori didn't answer right away, and Fili took it as a sign. Nori never hesitated, it had to mean...

They were both sitting on the floor, and so Fili only had to crawl a little to be next to his spy. His hands were shaking as he touched the bottom of the veil, and he saw Nori tense, but the spy didn't push him away not even when Fili lifted the fabric and revealed him.

Fili stopped breathing.

Nori must have been beautiful once, just like Fili had always known... but the Red Curse had left its mark on him. The spy was sickly thin, his skin grayish, his lips parched, his hair nothing but a few red strands here and there, most of it gone, just as his beard was.

It was the first time Fili realized that Nori was dying. This was why he was hiding home instead of gathering information. It was why he had introduced Fili to some of the other spies. It was why Dori could barely stand to be in the same room as his brother, why Ori was trying to get every instant he could with Nori.

"How long..."

"A few weeks... a few months if I'm lucky. Not sure I even want to be lucky. I'm tired. Everything is ready, as ready as it will ever be, I'm just... waiting now. It's the worst, the waiting."

Fili stared a him, trying to find words of sympathy that wouldn't be hollow. What could one say to the love of their life when there was no hope left for them, when there had never been, any hope to begin with because no one survived the Red Curse, and it was already a miracle that Nori had lived that long. What could anyone say in a moment like that?

The truth, Fili decided.

"I love you."

"I know."

Fili felt like crying, so he laughed instead.

"I'm pathetic. And I thought I'd been so good at hiding it..."

"You did a good job. I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been looking at you so much."

The prince's laughter died in his throat. More than ever, he wanted to kiss Nori, at least once, while they still had time... it might be worth the risk. The chance of contamination was high, but not certain, maybe he could...

"Don't even think about it," Nori snapped. "You have some bloody responsibilities,  you have people counting on you... don't blow it up or I swear I'll fucking kill you before the curse does."

"Might be worth it."

"Don't you dare. It's bad enough that I'm dying from this shit, I won't risk having it kill you too. You are going to live, and you will lead our people. You will be the very best king the line of Durin had ever known, and when you are old and gray, then you will die. But not before, and not because of me."

Fili sighed, and it came out sounding like a sob.

"Don't be like that," Nori told him, putting a gloved hand on the prince's. "If you are very good, we'll meet again in the halls of Mahal and there... there I'll give you so much more than a kiss."

"You'd better. If I'm waiting a damn lifetime to be with you, the least you can do is fuck me hard when we're together again."

Nori laughed, and it made him cough. Fili's fingers tightened on the spy's gloved hand. Even once the other dwarf had managed to control his breathing again, Fili didn't let go of him.

"Don't come again," Nori ordered after a moment of silence. "It won't be good, not for either of us."

"Nori..."

"Dying wish. That's mine. Don't come again. Dying... it's an ugly business. I look like a fucking goblin, and it's going to get worse. I've seen people die of the curse. I don't want you to see that."

Fili thought of protesting, because he wanted all that he could get of Nori, even the worst ... he wondered how he could convince the dwarf who would never be his lover to give him that at least... but then he looked at Nori who looked so exhausted, he knew how easy it would be to talk him into anything, and he decided not to. If Nori wanted things to be like this, then Fili could give it to him.

But he kissed Nori's gloved hand that day as he left. 

It was all they would ever have, it wasn't enough compared to all that he wanted, and it wouldn't ever compare to the idea of growing old next to the very worst, the very best dwarf the world had ever known...

It was nothing, and yet it felt almost enough.

Until they could meet again, in the halls of their ancestors or somewhere else. 

**Author's Note:**

> There is an alternative version to this fic. In it, the quest happens. Nori joins because he is dying, and wants a better future for his brothers.   
> Nori and Fili fall in love, but never touch... until the night before bofa.  
> because as Fili argues, they're probably going to die anyway, so why not take that chance?  
> then the battle happens.  
> Nori had never expected to survive his prince


End file.
